If You Don’t Define Your Success, Someone Else Will—Here’s How to Take Back the Wheel

You’ve worked hard. You’ve checked the boxes. You’ve done everything “right.” But if you’re being honest with yourself, you sometimes wonder why you don’t feel more “successful” or aren’t filled with more of a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.

Here’s the truth: if you don’t define success for yourself, the world will be more than happy to do it for you. And spoiler alert? Their version doesn’t include your joy, freedom, or peace of mind.

For high-achievers, this realization usually hits like a ton of bricks. You did all the things. You climbed the ladder, got the title, hit the revenue goal, bought the house. You should feel accomplished, fulfilled, satisfied. But instead… there’s this nagging feeling that something is missing.

Not because you’re ungrateful. Not because you need to “appreciate what you have.” But because you’ve been chasing their definition of success—not yours.

And if you don’t stop to redefine it now, when will you? Next year? Five years from now? When you finally "have time"? Success shouldn’t feel like a finish line you never quite reach. It should feel like alignment. Expansion. A life that excites you—not one that just looks good on paper.

So let’s fix that. Because you didn’t work this damn hard just to feel stuck.

Success Is a Moving Target—And Who’s Aiming It, Anyway?

From the moment we enter the workforce (hell, sometimes before that), we’re handed a script.

"Success" looks like this:

• Get the degree.
• Land the job.
• Start the family.
• Climb the ladder.
• Make six figures.
• Buy the house.
• Get the title.
• Retire and hope you have enough energy left to finally enjoy your life.

And we follow the steps. We tick the boxes. We do what we’re supposed to do. Because for most of us, questioning the script never even occurs to us.

Until one day, it does.

And when you finally stop long enough to actually look at the finish line you’ve been sprinting toward, you realize—it’s been moving the whole damn time.

You get the promotion, and suddenly, there’s another title to chase.
You hit the revenue goal, and now the bar is higher.
You achieve all the things you were told to go after, and yet… why doesn’t it feel as good as it looks on paper?

Here’s why: Because success isn’t supposed to be a destination. It’s supposed to be a direction.

If you don’t stop and define that direction for yourself, you’ll spend your entire life running after someone else’s version of success—only to realize it was never yours to begin with.

So here’s the million-dollar question: Are you chasing success? Or are you actually building a life that fuels you? Because one will keep you exhausted, and the other will set you free.

The "I Should" Trap—And Why It’s Keeping You Stuck

The "I Should" Trap—And Why It’s Keeping You Stuck

Let’s talk about the most toxic phrase in the high-achiever’s vocabulary: “I should.”

“I should want the promotion.”
“I should work harder—everyone else is doing more.”
“I should be grateful—why do I still feel unfulfilled?”
“I should be healthier, smaller, more disciplined.”
“I should feel happier. I have everything I wanted… right?”

Sound familiar?

The “should” trap is what keeps high-achievers running on autopilot—chasing goals that were handed to them, not chosen by them. It’s a sneaky little voice that tells you to keep striving, keep grinding, keep proving—without ever stopping to ask why.

And the real danger? “Should” makes you feel like there’s something wrong with YOU. Like you’re the problem.

You start questioning yourself instead of questioning the system.
You wonder why you’re unsatisfied instead of wondering if your goals actually align with what you want.
You assume you just need to “try harder” instead of realizing—maybe the goalposts you’re chasing don’t even belong to you.

Because let’s be real—when was the last time you actually stopped and asked yourself what YOU want? Not what looks good on LinkedIn. Not what makes your parents proud. Not what keeps you ahead of the curve. But what fuels you.

Here’s the truth: Success isn’t about checking boxes. It’s about alignment.

And when your version of success is built on “shoulds” instead of what actually fuels you, it will drain you every time.

So if you're feeling stuck, uninspired, or just off—it’s not because you’re failing. It’s because you’re living by a script that wasn’t written for you. Maybe it’s time to throw out the script and start building a version of success that actually fits.

What Happens When You Let Others Define Your Success

If you’re playing by someone else’s rules, here’s what happens:

• You stay busy—but not fulfilled. Always grinding, never quite arriving.
• You make decisions based on fear, not desire. Fear of falling behind. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of stepping off the “right” path.
• You get caught in the comparison trap—measuring yourself against people who don’t even want the same things as you.
• You lose sight of who you actually are outside of achievement.

And then, one day, you start asking yourself questions you never saw coming:

"Why doesn’t this feel as good as I thought it would?"
"Do I actually want this, or am I just afraid of not having it?"
"What am I sacrificing in the name of success—and is it worth it?"

Because here’s the thing: When you let external validation drive your success, it will never be enough. The bar will keep moving. The goalposts will keep shifting. And no matter how much you accomplish, you’ll always feel like there’s more you should be doing.

And if you’ve been feeling stuck, uninspired, or frustrated with yourself because you “should” be happy but you’re not—guess what?

You’re not broken.
You’re not “too ambitious.”
You don’t need to be more grateful.

You just haven’t given yourself permission to define success on your own terms.

And that? That changes now.

Redefining Success: 3 Questions to Take Back the Wheel

If you’re ready to stop running toward a finish line you didn’t choose, here’s where you start:

1. What does success FEEL like for me?
   Forget the numbers, the titles, the external markers. What do you want your daily life to feel like? More energy? More creativity? More peace? More hell yes and fewer ugh, fine moments? Because here’s the truth: success isn’t just about what you achieve—it’s about how you experience your life while you’re achieving it. And if your version of success looks good on paper but feels like a constant grind in reality, it’s time to reassess.
2. If no one else was watching, what would I want?
   Would you still be chasing the same things if you weren’t worried about what “other people” would think? If you weren’t afraid of “falling behind”? Would you choose a different path if you weren’t scared of stepping off the one you’re on? If your success requires constant explanation or justification—it’s probably not yours. Real success? It’s the thing you’d still pursue even if nobody ever clapped for you.
3. What have I been sacrificing for success that I actually miss?
   Joy? Freedom? Health? Creativity? Time with people who matter? If success has required you to shrink yourself in any way—to ignore your own needs, to put everything else before your well-being, to keep pushing at the expense of your own happiness—then let’s be honest: that version of success is too damn expensive. If achieving your goals means losing yourself in the process, the price isn’t worth it. The real flex? Designing a life where success fuels you instead of draining you.

How to Build a Life That Feels as Good as It Looks

Success isn’t about reaching a final destination—it’s about building a life that expands with you. Here’s how:

Stop chasing “enough.”
When success is externally defined, the finish line always moves…and you’re usually not in control of it. You get the title, and suddenly there’s another one to chase. You hit the revenue goal, and now it’s not impressive enough. It’s a game designed to keep you running—but you get to decide when you’ve won. Define what’s enough for YOU, and own it—without waiting for permission.

Redefine your metrics.
Instead of just tracking money, titles, or milestones, start measuring what actually matters: energy, joy, fulfillment, impact. If your bank account is growing but your energy is tanking, if your LinkedIn looks impressive but your day-to-day life feels like a grind—it’s time for a new definition of success.

Get in the right rooms.
Surround yourself with women who aren’t just climbing ladders—they’re building lives that actually fulfill them. The people around you shape your definition of success, whether you realize it or not. If you’re surrounded by burnout, hustle, and comparison, that becomes your normal. But when you put yourself in spaces where women are redefining success on their terms, that shifts what feels possible for you.

Own your damn power.
If you’re already crushing it by someone else’s definition, imagine what happens when you start playing by your own rules. You’ve already proven you can work hard, achieve big things, and make things happen. Now, the challenge isn’t can you succeed—it’s whether you’re ready to succeed in a way that actually feels right for you.

Build Success on YOUR Terms

Success isn’t a script. It’s not a checkbox.
It’s not a title, a salary, or an arbitrary finish line someone else decided for you.
It’s something you build.
Intentionally. Unapologetically. On your own damn terms.

And here’s the thing—when you define success for yourself, everything changes. You stop chasing. You start creating. You stop proving. You start living.

And guess what? You don’t have to do it alone.

🔥 If you’re ready to redefine success, elevate your confidence, and step into the next level of YOUR choosing—join Soul on Fire. Because your next level should feel as good as it looks.